I’m sure you all remember the guy I’ve employed to help test my super abilities. I’m going to retain him as my personal butler/super assistant. And I shall call him Jeeves. You see, my secret identity will have an English accent. (Because all the cool people have them. And if I’m the new Batman, does it get any cooler than that?) And that’s what Brits call their personal butlers/super assistants, right? Plus, whenever I need something, I can ask Jeeves. (I wrote that joke in 1997. I’m still tweaking it. I want to perfect it while it’s still relevant.) He will be responsible for developing/fetching all the superpowers I require. Along with my coffee.
The first superpower I will develop is a kite suit. Yes, I may look like Wile E. coyote. But sometimes you have to sacrifice fashion for function. It will be perfect on windy days like those we’ve been having lately. Instead of having to walk, say, all the way to the garage, I can just harness the power of the wind soar majestically above the buildings to my destination. I may even land occasionally to do some crime fighting. Because something about great power and responsibility. (I never really understood that correlation. I just want superpowers. And coffee.) But mostly I’ll just fly to my car.
There’s just one minor design flaw. You know when you’re running, trying to get the kite off the ground, it bounces along the ground? That’s not the most pleasant experience when you’re the kite. You find yourself a bit of a bloody lump on the sidewalk. I keep telling Jeeves to pull on the string harder. Or maybe find someone to hold me off the ground while he gets going. I’m still working out the logistics.
Anyway, as I was lying on the ground in a heap the last time, Jeeves came over, punched me in the head, stole $20, and ran off. Why, Jeeves, why? That’s not how we’re doing this one.