Up next on the main stage, Cinnamon!


There are times when you can lie to a 2 year-old that are perfectly acceptable. Saying to her, “Daddy has to go to bathroom” and not coming back at 5:30am is one of those times. Especially if she woke up at 3:00am and made you hold her for 2 1/2 hours in the recliner.

She will be content lying in her bedroom waiting for you. And she will fall back asleep without any permanent damage to psyche.

If your guilt over repeatedly pulling the “Daddy has to go to the bathroom” and not coming back gets the best of you, you will have to pull the exact same bit again at 6:00 to get out of lying on the floor of her bedroom holding her. Stupid guilt.

I always feel like I’ll give her some deep-seated trust and daddy issues. And at 19, she’ll end up a feature dancer at some seedy strip club to feed her 3 kids. When the kids ask where there daddies are, she’ll say, “He had to go to the bathroom.”

And when you get done in the bathroom because you actually went this time, you’ll find yourself curled up in a ball on the couch trying to fit under one of her tiny blanket because you also don’t want to wake up your wife getting back into bed 15 minutes before you have to get up again.

Only you won’t get any sleep because your thumbs will be going like mad on a little touchscreen banging out some idiotic blog post about how you spent your morning, realizing your alarm is going to go off as soon as you hit “publish.”

But, hey. At least you came back. The first time. So no daddy issues. Right? Stupid guilt. Dammit.

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