I have to go to the zoo. These puppies are sick.


This morning during breakfast, the 12-year-old said, “I wish I was a mosquito. I mean, I wish I had a mosquito biting me. Then I could flex and make it explode.”

Me: “I had a mosquito bite me once. I flexed and it died from the sexy.” *flex* *wink*

*blank stares*

Me: “I had a mosquito bite me once. I flexed and said, ‘Hey, mosquito. Do you have tickets to the gun show?’” *flex*

*crickets chirping*

Me: “I had a mosquito bite me once. I flexed and said, ‘Hey, mosquito. Did you hear about the pythons that escaped from the zoo?’” *flex*

*nothing*

Me: “Go get ready for school.”

I don’t even know why I have kids.

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