Abe’s Revenge


Now that the weather has turned warm, the kids are constantly going in and out of the house. This means a lot of doors left slightly ajar. Or gaping wide open for much longer than I would prefer.

Flies, dumb as they are, always find a way to get into the house. They’re really annoying. I think it’s due to the kaleidoscope effect of their freakish eyes. They seem to always find a way to escape whatever weapon I find to dispatch them to the maggoty afterlife. Since I can never find our fly swatter, this is typically a hand towel from the kitchen. Remember how you and your brother used to pop each other with towels when you were younger? You would see who could leave the biggest welt on the other. You got so good at it, that even a washcloth was a lethal weapon. Good times. I have finally found a use for this skill.

My method for hunting flies is to stand in the middle of the room, staring in one direction, hoping the fly crosses that path again. He rarely does. Because he’s dumb. Or I am. I haven’t figured that one out yet. Finally, you spot him. Or your wife yells at you, “He’s over there! Kill it already.” If you’re lucky, he’ll fly into a room with a door, where you can trap him. Then it’s more standing, waiting for him to fly into your line of sight. You flick the towel. And miss. After about 10 minutes, you finally land a killing blow. The carcass flies across the room, not to be found until a day later in a place you would never have expected him to land.

My wife, being the Pinteresting type, told me she found something on Pinterest about how to get rid of flies. You take pennies and place them in a baggie with some water. The reflection of the copper in the water freaks the fly out, thinking it’s motion. The flies will then leave. Or something like that. I’m not sure where they go, if they learn to open the door and just head out or something. I don’t know. Flies are stupid.

What I really don’t understand is why the apparent “motion” from horde of reflected Lincolns scares them, yet a giant fly swatter (or whipping towel) doesn’t frighten them enough to leave. No. It is the searing eyes of  Abe that impels them to leave. Perhaps it is his honesty.

I have not yet tried this method, so I can’t attest to its effectiveness. I think it helps to get the flies really high first.

"You've been emancipated from this house."

“You’ve been emancipated from this house.”

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