On my way out of the building this afternoon, I found myself stuck on the escalator behind non-walking people. You know, those who lazily ride the moving stairs down. They can’t be troubled to move their legs. That would be too much work.

If you couldn’t tell, I find this terribly annoying. I mean, use the same effort you would exercise going down a flight of stairs. It’s amazing how much quicker you’ll be on your way. (It’s an escalator, not an escalazy. I’m sorry.)

I immediately imagine myself finding a way around these stair riders. This is how my brain works. Don’t ask. It’s a world you don’t want to visit. Of course, I imagine the quickest and most exciting method possible. Parkour. Awesome, right?

Here’s how it went:

First attempt: I leap over both the downward and the near upward moving handrails and land on the upward steps. This results in a sprained ankle and a twisted knee.

Second attempt: I leap over the downward railing and land on the near upward railing. From there, I jump to the far upward railing. Upon landing on the second railing, the upward motion causes me to lose my balance. I careen face first to the floor below. Broken nose. Possible cracked rib. Dislocated shoulder.

Third attempt: I jump onto the downward railing and leap to the far upward railing. I wobble briefly, but catch my balance. I leap to the floor. Unfortunately, the upward railing moves further than anticipated, and my leap is obstructed by one of the trees in the lobby. I topple the tree and we both crash to the ground. Luckily, the tree absorbs most of the impact, resulting in only a sprained wrist and twisted ankle. I’m able to get up and continue on my way. Sadly, I’m back behind the crowd I was trying to pass, who walk as quickly as they go down the escalator.

Even in my own imagination, I can’t win. I hate you brain.

True story, bro.


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