The other day I noticed that I have what appears to be a spider bite on my finger. Why am I accusing a spider, why couldn’t it be…I don’t have the name of a good biting insect at the moment. There are two little scabs next to each other. It’s a spider bite. Because I said so.
Yesterday, as I was walking out the front door, I walked through a spider web. It’s like someone was trying to tell me something. Was the spider maybe , say, radioactive? Might I get special powers? I crossed my fingers.
My eyes did get a little better that afternoon. Much like the movie, my vision was blurrier with my glasses on. That may have been only for things about an arm’s length away. And it may have had something to do with my eyes being dilated (not only did I get to be a pirate for a bit, I got these sweet shades that I simply have to slip on the inside of my glasses. Sexy.)
My vision went back to normal later in the evening. And there were no signs of any other special powers. I decided that I would call it a night. Maybe the powers take some time to gestate.
The next morning arrived. I was excited about my potential new powers. I should be agile. I should have perfect vision. I should be able to climb walls. What’s not to be excited about, right?
I didn’t put on my glasses this morning. This is odd. Everything is blurry. Unless it’s close to my face. I don’t know why everyone acts like 20/20 vision is so great. It doesn’t seem much different from what I’m used to. But I went with it.
The agility. That can’t fail me. I ran around the house trying to dodge obstacles at the last second. Given my new perfect vision, I couldn’t see things until the last second, anyway. I banged my shin twice. Stubbed my toe thrice. Not going as well as I had hoped.
Climbing walls. This, too, did not go as planned. That’s all I have to say about that.
Surely, I must at least have “spider senses.” That tingly feeling that alerts me of danger before it happens. I paid a man on the street $20 to randomly try to attack me throughout the day. I’ve been punched in the head four times now. And he keeps calling me Shirley.
I don’t get it. There is no way I was bit by an ordinary, run-of-the-mill spider. That kind of thing just doesn’t happen. And the web I walked into couldn’t have merely been a coincidence. I’m sure it wasn’t an elaborate set up by the spider that bit me. They’re not that clever. Are they?
(And why are none of the lights on? Can’t someone please turn off the dark? Please. )
I want my mediocre powers back. Comic books are full of lies. Jerks. Anybody have an ice pack?
Blogscendence 