These aren’t the cheesecakes you’re looking for

I have electrocuted myself. I’ve been bitten by spiders. All in the name of science. Ok. So maybe my intent wasn’t science. Maybe these were just nature being nature. And me being stubborn and lazy trying to be efficient. But I decided to turn them into science experiments. Experiments looking for superpowers.

Up until yesterday, I hadn’t had much luck. I can’t climb walls. No spider senses. No shooting lightning from my fingers. Life pretty much sucked.

And then last night happened. There was a superpower I hadn’t thought to test. One so extraordinary that it could only exist in the imagination. Why hadn’t I even thought to try it, no matter how far-fetched?

Let me set the looney tune of the situation:

Punkers was walking around with a bite of tarte soufflée au fromage blanc on her fork. (It’s a recipe PetitOrange brought from France. You and I would call it a cheesecake. Don’t tell PetitOrange that. She doesn’t like cheesecake. It’s not fancy sounding enough for the French.) My fear was that it would fall from the utensil, not to be found until it made its presence known olfactorily. An experience I did not want. The conversation went thusly:

Me: “Eat your cheesecake.”

Punkers: “No!”

Me: “Eat it before it falls on the floor.”

Punkers: “No!”

Me: “Yes!”

Punkers: “No!”

Me: “Yes!”

Punkers: “No!”

I think you get the idea. This went on for some time. Each time, the smirk on her face grew larger. Then it hit me! (A thought, not the cheesecake. Although, that would have been equally amusing.)

Me: “Yes!”

Punkers: “No!”

Me: “No!”

Punkers: “Yes!”

Haha! Success! Mind control, beaches! Top that! (Not that she actually ate the tarte soufflée au fromage blanc. Shut up.)

What up now, Doc?

Lessons learned

Punkers wasn’t feeling well last night.  She was all stuffed up and could barely breathe.  Let’s just say that I had to get out the carpet cleaner before bed.  It was not a good night.  Here is a brief list of things I learned from getting up with her at 3:45am.

1.  The floor is hard.  You are not a kid anymore.  You cannot sleep on the floor.  You will pay for it in the morning.

2.  No matter what blanket and pillow you lay on the floor, it is no substitute for a bed.  The floor is still hard.

3.  Your daughter is small.  Yet she can take up your entire bed.  Yeah.  She can do that with the floor too.  I don’t care how big the room is.

4.  7:00 comes super early when you’ve been up all night.

5.  7:00 doesn’t come quite that early.  When you wake up from what barely qualifies as sleep.  And you need glasses.  And you don’t have them on, 6:22 on the cable box looks a lot like 8:22.

6.  When you think it is two hours later than it actually is, your heart will jump ahead like 5 beats.  Not only will you think you late for work, other kids will be late for school.

7.  If you jump up thinking it’s two hours later than it is, you will not be able to get back to sleep for that ever so important, seemingly magical half hour before your alarm actually goes off.

8.  Trust your alarm. It has always worked, hasn’t it? It will save you from mild tachycardia and panic at 6:22 am.

9. The floor is hard.  Do not sleep on it.  You are over 35.  You will regret it.

These items are not mere conjecture.  They are fact.  Learn from my mistakes.  And please get me some Advil.